Author: Couture Chaos Coordinator

My husband and I had a profound awakening today.  Scrolling through Facebook, as I normally do to kill some time, I came across a site that will post random, thoughts or comments on one subject matter.  The subject matter changes but this one happened to be pertaining to kids commenting about their experience as a foster child, having never been adopted and aging out of the foster care system.  I read these aloud and it struck both of us like a bullet. 

Here are just some quick snapshots (unfortunately, no names or identifying information was provided so I am unable to cite the source):

1.       “I grew up in an orphanage and I’m just going to put out there that I’ve felt unwanted all my life and have two failed suicide attempts.  I wish I hadn’t been born.” – Unknown

2.       I grew up in an orphanage.  It was horrible.  I work at 3 different jobs to afford life.  I didn’t have any good education and I was abused.  Abortion would have been less cruel.” – Unknown

3.       “I aged out of foster care.  Horrifically abusive foster care.  You have no idea.  I’m telling you, some things are worse than death.  Putting a baby in the hands of foster care is worse than abortion.” – Unknown

4.       “I wanted parents since before I was two.  I am 18 now and just aged out of foster care … parents are a gift even if they are annoying.” – Unknown

5.       “Being an aged out foster care kid isn’t easy, that’s for sure.  You often are homeless and scared to trust people who want to help you.  You don’t know if they really mean it.” – Unknown

6.       “It’s holiday season again, since I aged out of foster care, it’s always been just myself and I, lonely holidays.  Birthday is coming up this month and I have no one, just like every other year.” – Unknown

7.       “I was placed for adoption when I was born, bounced around until I aged out of the system at 18.  18 years of abuse, 178 foster homes.  Be thankful for your parents.” – Unknown

8.       Hate that I aged out of the foster care system.  No family.  No support financially … with my education and life choices.  I only have myself.” – Unknown

This is so sad.  So many people (us included), if they choose to adopt, want babies.  There is so much demand for babies, that the chances of you actually getting one are slim.  Yet, there are so many children that are not babies but not yet 18 years old, that have no place to call home and no family to call their own. 

Per the National Foster Youth Institute (NFYI), more than 250,000 children are placed into the foster care system in the United States every year.  Here are some additional staggering numbers, per the NFYI, as of May 2017:

1.       More than 23,000 children will age out of the US foster care system every year.

2.       In the U.S., 397,122 children are living without permanent families in the foster care system.

3.       32% of the children who are eligible for adoption from foster care must wait at least 3 years before they will be adopted. 

4.       After reaching the age of 18, 20% of the children who were in foster care will be come instantly homeless. 

5.       There is less than a 3% chance for children who have aged out of foster care to earn a college degree at any point in their life. 

6.       Tens of thousands of children in the foster care system were taken away from their parents after extreme abuse. 

7.       In 2015, more than 20,000 young people – whom states failed to reunite with their families or place in permanent homes.  

Speaking for myself, I have spent so much time crying over the fact that I am not able to conceive my own child, and then when realizing how much we want to adopt, I have spent so much time complaining how hard it is to adopt a baby.  Yes, I would still love a baby.  But there are so many children out there that need a forever home and family.  We would love to be that family. 

It is heart breaking to read stories like that, coming straight from people that have been through the system.  We are in the midst of the process of going through adoption through the state right now.  We had chosen to go through a private group, again mostly because you have a better chance of getting a baby.  But we have decided against that at this time, for multiple other reasons.  That was before the profound awakening today. 

My hopes as we complete the process to become parents, is that we are placed with children that need us as much as we need them.  We would love to have more than one and save as many beautiful souls as we can. 

Oddly enough, things like what we have read today make me wonder if this is the reason I am not able to conceive my own.  Maybe I am truly meant to be a mother, but not to my own flesh and blood.  It would still be nice to have one of my own flesh and blood.  Regardless, no child in our home would ever be treated differently just because they did not come from my womb.  We both come from homes with at least one of our birth parents that raised us, and I would like to think did a damn good job.  However, we also know the importance of family, even if they are not your bloodline.  There is so much more to family. 

Maybe this is what my husband and I are meant to do.  Please continue to give us positive prayers and thoughts as we go through this journey.  I will do my part to try and remember this as well and try to keep a more positive outlook more often. 

Until next time.  ❤

I have so many emotions going on lately.  Maybe it is all of the adoption paperwork and information in the last week.  Maybe it is a child’s birthday party over the last weekend.  Maybe it is the fertility appointment and results I had this week.  Maybe it is the fact that I will be 36 years old in a few days.  Or maybe it is just good old female hormones.  Let’s face it – its ALL of the above.

Let’s go back to early June.  I had another appointment with fertility … AFTER my gynecologist appointment.  Yes ladies, you can be jealous now … I had three strangers all up in my business in a matter of about 2 hours, not including the forceps during the exam.  I didn’t even get a meal out of it.  No dirty talk.  Nothing.  Just, “scoot your butt. More.  A little more.  Okay, relax your knees.  Now, please relax while I shove this cold, long, pinching instrument in your vagina.”  Okay so the last sentence was a lie.  At least it was not spoken verbally.  The cherry topping – her assistant was a young, handsome male.  Great – how about the other three doctors I saw when I was walking into the room.  Why don’t we invite them to join.  Open a bottle of champagne while you are at it and let’s have a toast to the continuing death of my modesty.  Okay, that is a lie too.  My modesty disappeared many years, hands, and forceps ago.  Cheers!

Onto the fertility appointment.  A new consult since we took a break with the fertility assistance for so long.  Thankfully, I am so used to having to share my sex life, body, and feelings with them.  So this is no surprise.  There was a surprise however, saved right for the end.  “Thanks for coming in.  Oh, by the way, we now get to decide if you will be inseminated or not.  I know you came in advising you and your spouse are looking to do another insemination, but we will let you know if we are able to do that.”  Really?  You get to decide what happens to MY body?  Especially after you have done two prior inseminations with no complaints.

For any of you who are getting started with any assistance in fertility, beware.  The first thing I learned – you lose your modesty fast and get used to others fidgeting around in your personal life and personal body.  The second thing I learned going through everything – it may be your body, but you only have minimal control over it.  Everybody else actually gets to be in charge of what happens at the end of the day.  You can control what you wear, what substances you put into your body.  But other people will decide if you are healthy enough to try for pregnancy.  Other people will decide if you can be inseminated or fertilized for IVF.  This extends to outside your body as well, such as adoption.

Adoption.  This brings me to my next emotional infuriation this week.  “There is so many kids that need love in this world”, they tell you.  “Just adopt, it will be so much less frustration and pain than the continued fertility attempts”, they tell you.  You know what they didn’t tell you?  That you had better rob a bank first.  Because it will cost a lot.  Yes, I know, it is less expensive of a route if you foster first.  But again, as mentioned in a prior blog, my husband and I have made the decision not to foster first.  That is our choice to make regardless of how anyone feels about it.  However, that also means we have no inexpensive options.  They also did not tell you that it is a very time consuming and frustrating process.

Since you would have a child placed with you, it is understandable that they want to ensure it would be going to a loving home, in which that child (or those children) will be loved and cared for as they should be.  That is completely understandable.  However, it is frustrating when you look at the other side of it – that if your dwindling ovaries were actually your age and working properly, you would not even need to pay this much, or take these classes, or do any of this God awful paperwork.  You would not need to be monitored and have an inspection to have someone else tell you how good or bad your home is.  If your ovaries / fallopian tubes / etc. have not betrayed you, you can just become pregnant and decide for yourself if your life is good enough to bring a child into.

I am not going to get to specific, but let’s put it this way; we make decent money, have a nice home, have a good running and safe vehicle, have amazing dogs, a wonderful relationship.  I just have shitty female organs.  Why does this have to be such a process?  Especially when John and Jane Doe are hooked on substances such as drugs / alcohol and they get to decide to have a baby (or at least keep it when they get pregnant)?  Or the people that beat the hell out of their kids, starve them, deprive them and just plain don’t love them.  What about those people that murder their kids or sell them for something.  I read an article the other day – a lady sold her seven year old to pay off a $2500 drug debt.  But by all means, she does not need to take classes on how to be a parent or do a crap ton of paperwork.  She clearly would not be willing to spend thousands of dollars for that child.  Hell, the government pays her to have kids.  The more kids – the more money.  That is just a few examples.  There are many more, but you get the point.

The paperwork for adopting through the state, well there is a lot of it.  As I type this, my husband is online purchasing safety devices to put up in the house.  We already had the fire extinguisher.  Now need the locks for cabinets, the safety ladders to keep in all bedrooms upstairs should there be a fire.  All the essentials.  Don’t get me wrong, it is good to have those.  But just another thing that you don’t need to have in order to get pregnant.

Hmmm… If I don’t move on, I could go on forever with this.  Lets get back to the overall picture – why is this such a difficult week for me?

I already told you about the hot date with multiple people earlier in June.  Well I had the follow up on Monday this week.  Although I am not surprised, my numbers dropped again.  They want to see it at a 9.  Mine is a 6 currently.  Previously a 6.9.  The even worse number for me – my AMH level.  This is the anti-mullerian hormone, which is produced only in small ovarian follicles and measures the size of the growing follicles in women.  In English – this measures your remaining egg supply.  Below is a chart that identifies the range of this hormone.

Interpretation (women under age 35)	AMH Blood Level
High (often PCOS)	Over 4.0 ng/ml
Normal	1.5 – 4.0 ng/ml
Low Normal Range	1.0 – 1.5 ng/ml
Low	0.5 – 1.0 ng/ml
Very Low	Less than 0.5 ng/ml

 

As you can imagine, mine is only decreasing.  To give you an idea, when I measured this in 4/1/2016 – it was a 0.45.  In October of 2016 – it was already down to a 0.35.  Jump to 6/29/2018, you know, approximately a week and a half ago – it is a 0.15.  As in very low.  Or, in English – even my eggs have given up on me.

To add to the low numbers, age is a factor (amongst other things, but we are focusing on age alone right now because (a) we don’t have all night, nor would you want to continue reading through all of that right now and (b) my birthday is coming up and that means I will be 36 years old.  As it is, it is said that when you turn 35, your egg reserve decreases dramatically and your ability to get pregnant increases in difficulty.  That is for normal 35-year-old women.  For me, um hello 25!  My eggs apparently started abandoning ship and my egg supply decreased before my car insurance premium decreased.  I have always been someone who has not been big on my own birthdays, but at this stage in life, I have a new distaste for age that I didn’t know could exist.  Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to be alive and celebrate another year.  I am very blessed despite all of this in my blog, however, it is a fight to feel joyous about my birthday.

I mention a kid’s birthday above.  However, that honestly was not hard for me.  Babies, that is hard on me.  Very hard.  But kid’s birthdays, especially a family member and one I am close with, it is a lot easier for me than one might think.  Don’t get me wrong, I do still have my moments and difficulties.  But overall, its usually okay.  The hard part was actually the second party the same day when I went to another family member’s house.  One of their friends was there with their new 6-week-old baby.  That is what is hard on me.  Wanting something so bad, and watching others with what you want – that is what is hard.  No tears this time.  Yay, me!  But that is likely because we got to the party late and when we got there, they were just leaving.  Phew!  Saved by the bell.

Well that is all for now.  I won’t continue to bother you with my woes of the week.  Thanks for reading this far.  I am not trying to be a downer.  Just really having a rough week this week and this is my release.

Until next time.  ❤

I promised I would try and add comedy and lately, its been a lot of negative.  Lets lighten it up a bit, shall we.

As hard as it is to admit, I am a huge fan of memes.  Here are some of my favorite infertility ones.

 

 

 

My favorite however are from this couple, Whitney & Spencer Blake.  They had the brilliant idea of making ‘infertility announcements’.  You know, like all these lucky women who are able to conceive and come up with creative birth announcements.

 

Hope you could also find some humor in these.

Look forward to more in the future.

 

After years of struggling with infertility, one learns that their friends and family are their best allies, but also their worst enemies.  Your friends and family truly love you and want the best for you.  But aside from the rare occasion that someone else you love is going through the same scenario, at the same time – they really don’t understand how to address it with you.  You know what, that is okay.

There are multiple perspectives when someone is going through infertility.  There is the perspective of the couple going through it, which is usually two perspectives in itself.  There is the perspective of the parents of the couple going through it, those that long to be grandparents.  The other family members and your friends that each have their perspective.  The question is how do you know what is best to say?  How do you act?  How do you express your feelings?  While there is no formal response to this, coming from the perspective of being the person with the infertility issues, I can at least speak to some of the key things I have learned as I have walked through this journey, and continue to do so.  Please note, these are in no particular order.

1. Don’t ask if they are pregnant, how many kids they want, or anything in that general range.
   If you don’t know someone is struggling with infertility, hopefully the couple struggling will understand that the person asking is not aware and therefore not out to hurt them.  They are just merely asking the typical expected questions.  For example, before myself and my husband retired to our room the night of our wedding, I lost count of how many people asked us when we are going to start having kids and how many we want.
   However, once you know someone is struggling with infertility – even if you have the best of intentions, just don’t ask.  You will be able to get a feel from the couple struggling what you can and can’t discuss.  Myself, I will straight tell you not to ask me about it.  Who wants a constant reminder of your struggles, on top of the other reminders such as your period, testing your fertility monthly, seeing babies and pregnant women EVERYWHERE you go!  I am not even kidding with this.  Went to lunch today, sat down.  Two minutes later, they seated a gal at the booth across from us.  Her friend then joins her, with a baby stroller and young baby.  Counted four different visibly pregnant women while walking to the restaurant.
2. Don’t offer unsolicited advice.
   This is a big no-no!  If you read the last blog post, you may already have an idea of how much I despise this.  If you look up any other infertility blogs, articles, etc. – you will see that this is a joint consensus.
   Trust me, the couple going through infertility has heard it all.  However, we have also done our own research and have spent a lot more time studying infertility and the ways to battle it, options of coping with it, etc.  I guarantee you that unless you have gone through it yourself, I know a hell of a lot more about infertility than you.  No offense intended.
3. Should you tell me your great news that you are pregnant when you know I am not able to conceive?  Should you invite me to your baby shower?
   Yes, and yes again.  These two are grouped together because they have a lot of similarities.  The last thing I want is feel excluded or to not be included in your special moment.  If you are a part of my life, there is a reason.  I love you.  I want to be a part of your big life moments.  This is a big misconception that I see all the time, people not wanting to tell me their happy news or include me because they know I am having fertility issues.
   However, that being said – please note that I have a grieving process of my own to go through.  While I truly am happy for you and want to be a part of it, I need my space.  This is especially true if it is a family member and I will see the child / children often.  Please respect that I am watching you get everything I want and it is hard.  While I am happy for you, I must also be selfish.  I must also grieve for what I don’t have.  Although I am kind of a pro at that, it doesn’t ever seem to get easier.
   One last thing on this note, as much as I also still want to be here for you through your pregnancy – do not constantly talk to me about it.  Ever.  While I am happy to hear about it and know how its going, I do not want to constantly hear about it.  I had a former friend do this (note the use of the word ‘former’) and trust me, all I did was question how good of a friend they were.  Since they are a ‘former’ friend, who I haven’t spoken to in over a year – you can see where that ended up.  She had a rough pregnancy … which I got to hear about EVERY DAY (no exaggeration here – we worked together and EVERY DAY she would complain about how horrible her pregnancy was).  Please just don’t do it.
4. You don’t always need to say anything if I open up and talk about my struggle.
   Honestly, its probably better you don’t.  99.9% of the time, when I open up and talk about it – it is because I need to vent, or cry, or just take this weight off my shoulders.  I just want someone to listen to me or cry with me.  I do not need you to respond to you know you care.  Just listening and being there is more than enough.  Please also refer to #2.
5. Don’t advise that its okay to just adopt, there are a lot of children in this world that need love and a home.
   While I do agree with this sentiment, and regardless if we conceived our own child or not, we have always intended on adopting – but there is a lot more to it.  First, everyone throws around the word adopt like you can just go to your local supermarket and just pick a child right off the shelf.  Sorry, that is not quite how it works.  You must first figure out what kind of adoption.  Are you going to foster to adopt?  That is the most inexpensive route we have found, but given you have the potential to have that child you love ripped away from you to never be seen again – the selfish side of us is not in support of that.  Then you must determine if you are going through the state or an adoption agency.  Do you want to do a domestic adoption or international?  Each one of those has their own challenges and requirements.  If you want a baby (and have no problems getting pregnant) – you can just have your baby.  You don’t owe the money to do the actual conception or have to take a certain minimum of classes to prove you know how to parent.  You don’t have to be put on a waiting list for 1-3 years just to be told in 1-3 years that there was no child for you.  You have to consider finances and you have to be investigated. While I understand while all this needs to be done before a child can be placed with you – it does not make it any easier.  It feels like being punished for something that is outside of my control.
6. Don’t tell me to focus on the good things in my life.  I know what I have good in my life and I am extremely grateful for those blessings.
   When someone is struggling with infertility, or anything else in their life for that matter, it does not mean that they don’t understand the good things in their life and aren’t thankful for those good things.  We understand how truly blessed we are.  But tell me, do you understand that feeling when there is something missing?  When there is a piece of you missing and there is a hole in your heart?  An emptiness in your soul?
7. Don’t tell me how lucky I am to not have children.
   Sad I even have to include this, but I do.  This is something that people say occasionally for I can’t even fathom what reason.  I understand your kids are probably loud occasionally and don’t listen.  I am sorry you have not slept with your colicky newborn keeping you up all night.  Please know, I am fully aware that kids are loud and that you don’t sleep for the first 18 years (from what I am told).  Do you know what I would give to have a crying newborn of my own, a toddler that is learning to walk and getting into everything?  I won’t begin to try to understand what that is like but please, don’t assume that I am “lucky” to not have to deal with it.
8. Please don’t minimize what I am going through.
   We all go through our own experiences and handle them in our own way.  I won’t begin to judge you for your experiences and how you handle them both physically and emotionally.  Please do the same for me.

There will always be more that could be added to this.  However, these are what seem to be the most common.  If you are ever unsure if you can bring something up or inquire about something, please feel free to ask (usually best one on one and not in a group).  I completely understand you don’t know what is going on in my head and you don’t know what I am going through.  But as a general rule, it may be best to keep the above information in mind.

Lets respect each other.  We all have our limits to what we can handle.  Everyone should respect each other and their situations.

Until next time.  ❤

Well hello there.

Thanks for stopping by.   I would imagine if you are reading this, you either know myself or my husband personally, want to learn more about infertility, or basically stumbled upon this blog in your drunken internet search.  Whatever the situation may be, I do hope that this can benefit you in some manner.

For the most part, being that this is such a sad subject, I will try and keep it primarily light-hearted and funny.  However, there will be serious moments, as well as break down and cry moments.  This is my rollercoaster ride.  You are invited to strap yourself in and … I don’t know that “enjoy the ride” is the right phrase here, so lets just leave it at that … Strap yourself in.

I am currently a (soon to be) 36 year old female.  Or, better known in fertility years, a mid 50 year old female.  For those of you that do not know, the age 35 for women trying to get pregnant – is on the downslope.  Once you hit 35, you are automatically high risk and your egg count decreases exponentially.  Whoever came up with this true, but horrifying concept – thanks by the way.  Truly appreciate it.  Nothing like adding fuel to the already volatile fire and being told that the one thing you so desire but have been fighting for – has just progressed into an even deeper, darker, and more difficult journey than ever before.

My husband, David is 34.  His sperm does not have the dwindling supply that my eggs do.  Damn men.  They get this sex, fertility, and hormone thing so easy most the time.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand there are men that have sex, fertility, and hormone issues as well.  But lets be honest here – although I have not looked up the actual statistics, I can only imagine the odds must be something like 1 out of every 5 men, as opposed to 3 or 4 out of every 5 women.

Anyways, back to my husband.  He is amazing!  He truly is.  Considering it appears the fertility issues appear to be with me and not him, he is also extremely patient with me.  You know above where I welcomed you to my roller coaster ride through my infertility journey?  Yeah, well he has been on that non-stop roller coaster for over 5 years now and he is not seat belted in.  Look up ‘patience’ in the dictionary, you will see his picture – his adorable, stressed and deer in the head light expression, forcing a crooked smile back at you.

We met and began dating in 2007 and married in 2012.  Our wedding was the happiest day of my life, to date.  I have been told when you have a baby and they place that baby in your arms for the first time and you look into their eyes, that will then become the happiest moment of your life.  And to that, I have to say … kiss my ass.  Seriously, kiss my ass.  We all have different stories, opinions, and life experiences.  If I were able to conceive and deliver my own child – yes, I would have to imagine that would hold true to be the best moment of my life.  As it does not appear to be in the cards for me, marrying David has truly been the happiest moment of my life.

From this place forward, is where some information I discuss can be a bit to much information for you to handle, especially if you know us personally.  I tell you now to warn you and prepare you.  I am not on here to share intimate details and I will not discuss details that are not necessary for the story of my journey.  So if you are reading this, especially for family and friends – if you do not have a thick skin or are childish and giggle at words like sex and penis – then you should probably stop reading here.

Still reading?  You have been warned.  Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.

Our fertility journey began before it was intentional.  What do I mean by that?  Well boys and girls, that means there has been years of unprotected sex and although we were not trying to get pregnant – we were not really trying not to get pregnant.  I don’t give you this information just to talk about it … I give you this information as it pertains to setting up the infertility journey.

My journey began as a teenager.  No, I have never tried to get pregnant until I was with my husband.  However, I have always suspected I have had fertility issues, and it began when I was a young teen and got my first period.  My whole life, I have had horrible periods that cause monthly, immense pain to the extent of which I need to mediate myself for a three day minimum just to get through it.  They are also short cycles, which means – you guessed it, I have short windows of fertility.  My first serious boyfriend and I started having sex when I was 16.  At first there was protection – then very quickly, there was not.  Stupid, I know.  No need to lecture me – its done and it happened, you can’t change it.  If you would like to burn me at the cross for it, I ask that you just get the f*ck over it and just look at the wonderful human being I am now.  Teenagers make stupid mistakes.  I tell you this information, as it is important to establish the history.  All that unprotected sex – and not one, “could I be pregnant” scare.  Now, to add even more drama since unprotected sex is just not enough – he has since gone on to have what I believe is 4 children later on in his life.  Clearly, he has no fertility issues.

I will not speak of my husband’s history – that is his to tell, should he so choose to do so.

What I will share (with his knowledge) is we did use protection for a long time, and I even went on the DEPRO shot – for 3 years!  When he would deploy, I would stop as it was no longer necessary.  When he would return, I would go right back on it.  I truly have not had regrets in my life, except this.  Well, this and my exercise & eating habits are my life’s biggest regrets.  We will get to those later though.  That is for another blog, if you survive this one and care to keep going.

All forms of protection were stopped by the end of 2011.  He returned from overseas where he had been a contractor for a few years and was now done.  We were planning a wedding.  We made the decision to cease all forms of contraceptive and let things happen if they were going to happen.  Don’t get me wrong though.  We never attempted to get pregnant – we just never attempted to ‘not’ get pregnant.  Lets count together how many “could I be pregnant” scares I had, shall we?  Ready?  … ZERO.

I take that back.  At the time there was zero.  Looking back, someone has made me realize there was one time I potentially had a miscarriage in what would be a very early stage of pregnancy.  I am not 100% convinced to this day that it was a miscarriage.  However, it is very plausible.  I guess I am sort of in denial.  Can you imagine?  Someone who fears not even being able to get pregnant – to find out you were once pregnant and you lost it?  That would just end me. Well if you can’t imagine, let me tell you, as I have tears typing this – it is just another level of heart ache, of which you would think I have become accustomed to at this point.  However, when you continuously go through heart ache, you learn you will never become accustomed to it.  For those women that know and that have had miscarriages – my heart goes out to you.  And you are seriously some of the strongest women I know.  God bless you.

Honestly, I think I have put blinders on to what truly happened.  When I look back, I remember coming home from work one day with massive pain.  It was not during or near my period.  The abdominal pain was 10x worse than my worst menstrual cramps (and let me tell you – those are horrible in themselves – kind of like being stabbed by multiple knives or someone taking your stomach and twisting it like you do a washrag when you ring out all the water).  I was doubled over in pain and had just told David I couldn’t handle the intense pain anymore and that he was going to have to get me to a hospital.  I then stood, and I felt as though something fell out of me and the pain ceased completely and suddenly.  It was large enough that I could tell it was not normal.  I went in the bathroom and checked.  There was some blood, although not a lot.  What I had passed appeared to be a chunk of body tissue (best way I can describe it – I can see it clear as day in my head but I don’t quite know how to explain it).  I had later asked my gyno about it.  They didn’t have a clue – just told me they had never heard of anything like that and moved on to finish the gyno exam.  Nothing like telling a medical professional your most intimate details and having them just brush it off and ignore it.  I have since told a few this story and some believe it sounds as though I could have had a miscarriage.  We will never truly know.

After being married and moving to our current state where we reside, we formally began trying to get pregnant.  I have peed on many a stick (mostly fertility sticks to test how fertile I am), I have followed a calendar to track my fertility, I have had my fallopian tubes tested, David has had his sperm tested, we have had two failed inseminations, and had a consultation with an IVF physician.  We have been and are still working with the infertility group of our medical insurance.  We have been speaking to adoption agencies and looked into surrogacy.  I have had more people and instruments get to know me intimately – and to think, they haven’t even wined and dined me first.  Nor have they succeeded in giving me a baby to date.  Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this picture?  Those foot stirrups that most women complain about, as I used to do – have become a part of my life.

Many hours, tears, and dollars later; to date, we have had … wait for it, I know you will never guess it … ZERO pregnancies.  ZERO miscarriages.

Alright, lets get it all out of your system now.  Let’s hear it.   Don’t stress so much.  It will happen when its supposed to happen.  Things have a way of working out.  — Just adopt.  I know this friend, who knows a friend, that knows a friend, that has a great uncle twice removed, that adopted and then BAM!  Got pregnant.  —  Just adopt.  There are plenty of children out there that need love and a family.  You don’t need to conceive one of your own.  —  Just lose the weight.  Once you lose weight, you will get pregnant — You are young.  You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t rush it. —  But it is so much fun to try naturally.  At least you can have fun trying.   —  It could be worse, it could be cancer.  Shall I go on?  Did I miss one?  I know there are more out there.  Just trust me on this.  Coming from someone that does not have a violent bone in their body – nothing makes me want to change that more than the un-needed, unsolicited, and inaccurate advice people so choose to bestow upon you.  I say this not as a threat or warning, but in the hopes to educate.  Look forward to a future blog post of what NOT to say to someone going through an infertility struggle.  There will be posts on so many different aspects, as well as of course my own journey.

The current plan: well there is not one set in stone.  Yes, we want to adopt.  Yes, we are still trying to conceive our own.  Yes, we are trying to inseminate again.  Yes, we are thinking surrogacy as well.  But EVERY step we take costs money, and lots of it.  So we can’t do them all.  There is a lot to these decisions and unless you are going through it currently or have gone through it previously – you just can’t possibly understand.  

That is where I hope I can help.  I am not here to just talk about myself – hard to believe, I know.  You can pick up your jaw now.  But I am here to help educate and inform.  I am also here to help those the care to be a part of our journey or even just want a little insight to our journey, to get the opportunity to do so.  My one request would be to please respect myself and my husband.  Just because I discuss it here, does not mean I want you to bring it up and discuss it with me in person.  Respect our privacy.  I may be opening up on here, but I am only opening up on what I feel like sharing and in the moment that I feel like sharing it.  However, that being said, if you are going through this or some other struggle not even related to unexplained infertility issues and you want someone to talk to who may understand even an inkling of what you are going through, to cry with, to hold your hand, or just to shut the hell up and listen to you while you cry and scream – I am here.  Please feel free to message me and reach out if that is you.  Please know, just because I am choosing to share my story – does not mean I will share yours.

PSA time … Finding someone to help you through this and walk through this journey with you is like finding a needle in a haystack.  Most do not even want to discuss it.  Hell, I didn’t want to discuss until just recently, after over 5 years of going through it, and I am still only willing to discuss it on my terms.  I feel I have earned that right.  Please, please, please know that we can’t go through our hardships alone and we should not feel like we have to.  Know there is still so much positive out there (although I know better than anyone that trying to focus on the positive and remember all the beautiful things in this wonderful life – can be hard).  So I ask that if you are going through this or anything difficult really even if it is not infertility struggles – please stay strong.  Please talk to someone.  Please, reach out.  People do care.  They truly do.

Until next time.   ❤

 

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton