After years of struggling with infertility, one learns that their friends and family are their best allies, but also their worst enemies. Your friends and family truly love you and want the best for you. But aside from the rare occasion that someone else you love is going through the same scenario, at the same time – they really don’t understand how to address it with you. You know what, that is okay.
There are multiple perspectives when someone is going through infertility. There is the perspective of the couple going through it, which is usually two perspectives in itself. There is the perspective of the parents of the couple going through it, those that long to be grandparents. The other family members and your friends that each have their perspective. The question is how do you know what is best to say? How do you act? How do you express your feelings? While there is no formal response to this, coming from the perspective of being the person with the infertility issues, I can at least speak to some of the key things I have learned as I have walked through this journey, and continue to do so. Please note, these are in no particular order.
- Don’t ask if they are pregnant, how many kids they want, or anything in that general range.
If you don’t know someone is struggling with infertility, hopefully the couple struggling will understand that the person asking is not aware and therefore not out to hurt them. They are just merely asking the typical expected questions. For example, before myself and my husband retired to our room the night of our wedding, I lost count of how many people asked us when we are going to start having kids and how many we want.
However, once you know someone is struggling with infertility – even if you have the best of intentions, just don’t ask. You will be able to get a feel from the couple struggling what you can and can’t discuss. Myself, I will straight tell you not to ask me about it. Who wants a constant reminder of your struggles, on top of the other reminders such as your period, testing your fertility monthly, seeing babies and pregnant women EVERYWHERE you go! I am not even kidding with this. Went to lunch today, sat down. Two minutes later, they seated a gal at the booth across from us. Her friend then joins her, with a baby stroller and young baby. Counted four different visibly pregnant women while walking to the restaurant. - Don’t offer unsolicited advice.
This is a big no-no! If you read the last blog post, you may already have an idea of how much I despise this. If you look up any other infertility blogs, articles, etc. – you will see that this is a joint consensus.
Trust me, the couple going through infertility has heard it all. However, we have also done our own research and have spent a lot more time studying infertility and the ways to battle it, options of coping with it, etc. I guarantee you that unless you have gone through it yourself, I know a hell of a lot more about infertility than you. No offense intended. - Should you tell me your great news that you are pregnant when you know I am not able to conceive? Should you invite me to your baby shower?
Yes, and yes again. These two are grouped together because they have a lot of similarities. The last thing I want is feel excluded or to not be included in your special moment. If you are a part of my life, there is a reason. I love you. I want to be a part of your big life moments. This is a big misconception that I see all the time, people not wanting to tell me their happy news or include me because they know I am having fertility issues.
However, that being said – please note that I have a grieving process of my own to go through. While I truly am happy for you and want to be a part of it, I need my space. This is especially true if it is a family member and I will see the child / children often. Please respect that I am watching you get everything I want and it is hard. While I am happy for you, I must also be selfish. I must also grieve for what I don’t have. Although I am kind of a pro at that, it doesn’t ever seem to get easier.
One last thing on this note, as much as I also still want to be here for you through your pregnancy – do not constantly talk to me about it. Ever. While I am happy to hear about it and know how its going, I do not want to constantly hear about it. I had a former friend do this (note the use of the word ‘former’) and trust me, all I did was question how good of a friend they were. Since they are a ‘former’ friend, who I haven’t spoken to in over a year – you can see where that ended up. She had a rough pregnancy … which I got to hear about EVERY DAY (no exaggeration here – we worked together and EVERY DAY she would complain about how horrible her pregnancy was). Please just don’t do it. - You don’t always need to say anything if I open up and talk about my struggle.
Honestly, its probably better you don’t. 99.9% of the time, when I open up and talk about it – it is because I need to vent, or cry, or just take this weight off my shoulders. I just want someone to listen to me or cry with me. I do not need you to respond to you know you care. Just listening and being there is more than enough. Please also refer to #2. - Don’t advise that its okay to just adopt, there are a lot of children in this world that need love and a home.
While I do agree with this sentiment, and regardless if we conceived our own child or not, we have always intended on adopting – but there is a lot more to it. First, everyone throws around the word adopt like you can just go to your local supermarket and just pick a child right off the shelf. Sorry, that is not quite how it works. You must first figure out what kind of adoption. Are you going to foster to adopt? That is the most inexpensive route we have found, but given you have the potential to have that child you love ripped away from you to never be seen again – the selfish side of us is not in support of that. Then you must determine if you are going through the state or an adoption agency. Do you want to do a domestic adoption or international? Each one of those has their own challenges and requirements. If you want a baby (and have no problems getting pregnant) – you can just have your baby. You don’t owe the money to do the actual conception or have to take a certain minimum of classes to prove you know how to parent. You don’t have to be put on a waiting list for 1-3 years just to be told in 1-3 years that there was no child for you. You have to consider finances and you have to be investigated. While I understand while all this needs to be done before a child can be placed with you – it does not make it any easier. It feels like being punished for something that is outside of my control. - Don’t tell me to focus on the good things in my life. I know what I have good in my life and I am extremely grateful for those blessings.
When someone is struggling with infertility, or anything else in their life for that matter, it does not mean that they don’t understand the good things in their life and aren’t thankful for those good things. We understand how truly blessed we are. But tell me, do you understand that feeling when there is something missing? When there is a piece of you missing and there is a hole in your heart? An emptiness in your soul? - Don’t tell me how lucky I am to not have children.
Sad I even have to include this, but I do. This is something that people say occasionally for I can’t even fathom what reason. I understand your kids are probably loud occasionally and don’t listen. I am sorry you have not slept with your colicky newborn keeping you up all night. Please know, I am fully aware that kids are loud and that you don’t sleep for the first 18 years (from what I am told). Do you know what I would give to have a crying newborn of my own, a toddler that is learning to walk and getting into everything? I won’t begin to try to understand what that is like but please, don’t assume that I am “lucky” to not have to deal with it. - Please don’t minimize what I am going through.
We all go through our own experiences and handle them in our own way. I won’t begin to judge you for your experiences and how you handle them both physically and emotionally. Please do the same for me.
There will always be more that could be added to this. However, these are what seem to be the most common. If you are ever unsure if you can bring something up or inquire about something, please feel free to ask (usually best one on one and not in a group). I completely understand you don’t know what is going on in my head and you don’t know what I am going through. But as a general rule, it may be best to keep the above information in mind.
Lets respect each other. We all have our limits to what we can handle. Everyone should respect each other and their situations.
Until next time. ❤
Our Infertility Journey 