Welcome

Well hello there.

Thanks for stopping by.   I would imagine if you are reading this, you either know myself or my husband personally, want to learn more about infertility, or basically stumbled upon this blog in your drunken internet search.  Whatever the situation may be, I do hope that this can benefit you in some manner.

For the most part, being that this is such a sad subject, I will try and keep it primarily light-hearted and funny.  However, there will be serious moments, as well as break down and cry moments.  This is my rollercoaster ride.  You are invited to strap yourself in and … I don’t know that “enjoy the ride” is the right phrase here, so lets just leave it at that … Strap yourself in.

I am currently a (soon to be) 36 year old female.  Or, better known in fertility years, a mid 50 year old female.  For those of you that do not know, the age 35 for women trying to get pregnant – is on the downslope.  Once you hit 35, you are automatically high risk and your egg count decreases exponentially.  Whoever came up with this true, but horrifying concept – thanks by the way.  Truly appreciate it.  Nothing like adding fuel to the already volatile fire and being told that the one thing you so desire but have been fighting for – has just progressed into an even deeper, darker, and more difficult journey than ever before.

My husband, David is 34.  His sperm does not have the dwindling supply that my eggs do.  Damn men.  They get this sex, fertility, and hormone thing so easy most the time.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand there are men that have sex, fertility, and hormone issues as well.  But lets be honest here – although I have not looked up the actual statistics, I can only imagine the odds must be something like 1 out of every 5 men, as opposed to 3 or 4 out of every 5 women.

Anyways, back to my husband.  He is amazing!  He truly is.  Considering it appears the fertility issues appear to be with me and not him, he is also extremely patient with me.  You know above where I welcomed you to my roller coaster ride through my infertility journey?  Yeah, well he has been on that non-stop roller coaster for over 5 years now and he is not seat belted in.  Look up ‘patience’ in the dictionary, you will see his picture – his adorable, stressed and deer in the head light expression, forcing a crooked smile back at you.

We met and began dating in 2007 and married in 2012.  Our wedding was the happiest day of my life, to date.  I have been told when you have a baby and they place that baby in your arms for the first time and you look into their eyes, that will then become the happiest moment of your life.  And to that, I have to say … kiss my ass.  Seriously, kiss my ass.  We all have different stories, opinions, and life experiences.  If I were able to conceive and deliver my own child – yes, I would have to imagine that would hold true to be the best moment of my life.  As it does not appear to be in the cards for me, marrying David has truly been the happiest moment of my life.

From this place forward, is where some information I discuss can be a bit to much information for you to handle, especially if you know us personally.  I tell you now to warn you and prepare you.  I am not on here to share intimate details and I will not discuss details that are not necessary for the story of my journey.  So if you are reading this, especially for family and friends – if you do not have a thick skin or are childish and giggle at words like sex and penis – then you should probably stop reading here.

Still reading?  You have been warned.  Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.

Our fertility journey began before it was intentional.  What do I mean by that?  Well boys and girls, that means there has been years of unprotected sex and although we were not trying to get pregnant – we were not really trying not to get pregnant.  I don’t give you this information just to talk about it … I give you this information as it pertains to setting up the infertility journey.

My journey began as a teenager.  No, I have never tried to get pregnant until I was with my husband.  However, I have always suspected I have had fertility issues, and it began when I was a young teen and got my first period.  My whole life, I have had horrible periods that cause monthly, immense pain to the extent of which I need to mediate myself for a three day minimum just to get through it.  They are also short cycles, which means – you guessed it, I have short windows of fertility.  My first serious boyfriend and I started having sex when I was 16.  At first there was protection – then very quickly, there was not.  Stupid, I know.  No need to lecture me – its done and it happened, you can’t change it.  If you would like to burn me at the cross for it, I ask that you just get the f*ck over it and just look at the wonderful human being I am now.  Teenagers make stupid mistakes.  I tell you this information, as it is important to establish the history.  All that unprotected sex – and not one, “could I be pregnant” scare.  Now, to add even more drama since unprotected sex is just not enough – he has since gone on to have what I believe is 4 children later on in his life.  Clearly, he has no fertility issues.

I will not speak of my husband’s history – that is his to tell, should he so choose to do so.

What I will share (with his knowledge) is we did use protection for a long time, and I even went on the DEPRO shot – for 3 years!  When he would deploy, I would stop as it was no longer necessary.  When he would return, I would go right back on it.  I truly have not had regrets in my life, except this.  Well, this and my exercise & eating habits are my life’s biggest regrets.  We will get to those later though.  That is for another blog, if you survive this one and care to keep going.

All forms of protection were stopped by the end of 2011.  He returned from overseas where he had been a contractor for a few years and was now done.  We were planning a wedding.  We made the decision to cease all forms of contraceptive and let things happen if they were going to happen.  Don’t get me wrong though.  We never attempted to get pregnant – we just never attempted to ‘not’ get pregnant.  Lets count together how many “could I be pregnant” scares I had, shall we?  Ready?  … ZERO.

I take that back.  At the time there was zero.  Looking back, someone has made me realize there was one time I potentially had a miscarriage in what would be a very early stage of pregnancy.  I am not 100% convinced to this day that it was a miscarriage.  However, it is very plausible.  I guess I am sort of in denial.  Can you imagine?  Someone who fears not even being able to get pregnant – to find out you were once pregnant and you lost it?  That would just end me. Well if you can’t imagine, let me tell you, as I have tears typing this – it is just another level of heart ache, of which you would think I have become accustomed to at this point.  However, when you continuously go through heart ache, you learn you will never become accustomed to it.  For those women that know and that have had miscarriages – my heart goes out to you.  And you are seriously some of the strongest women I know.  God bless you.

Honestly, I think I have put blinders on to what truly happened.  When I look back, I remember coming home from work one day with massive pain.  It was not during or near my period.  The abdominal pain was 10x worse than my worst menstrual cramps (and let me tell you – those are horrible in themselves – kind of like being stabbed by multiple knives or someone taking your stomach and twisting it like you do a washrag when you ring out all the water).  I was doubled over in pain and had just told David I couldn’t handle the intense pain anymore and that he was going to have to get me to a hospital.  I then stood, and I felt as though something fell out of me and the pain ceased completely and suddenly.  It was large enough that I could tell it was not normal.  I went in the bathroom and checked.  There was some blood, although not a lot.  What I had passed appeared to be a chunk of body tissue (best way I can describe it – I can see it clear as day in my head but I don’t quite know how to explain it).  I had later asked my gyno about it.  They didn’t have a clue – just told me they had never heard of anything like that and moved on to finish the gyno exam.  Nothing like telling a medical professional your most intimate details and having them just brush it off and ignore it.  I have since told a few this story and some believe it sounds as though I could have had a miscarriage.  We will never truly know.

After being married and moving to our current state where we reside, we formally began trying to get pregnant.  I have peed on many a stick (mostly fertility sticks to test how fertile I am), I have followed a calendar to track my fertility, I have had my fallopian tubes tested, David has had his sperm tested, we have had two failed inseminations, and had a consultation with an IVF physician.  We have been and are still working with the infertility group of our medical insurance.  We have been speaking to adoption agencies and looked into surrogacy.  I have had more people and instruments get to know me intimately – and to think, they haven’t even wined and dined me first.  Nor have they succeeded in giving me a baby to date.  Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this picture?  Those foot stirrups that most women complain about, as I used to do – have become a part of my life.

Many hours, tears, and dollars later; to date, we have had … wait for it, I know you will never guess it … ZERO pregnancies.  ZERO miscarriages.

Alright, lets get it all out of your system now.  Let’s hear it.   Don’t stress so much.  It will happen when its supposed to happen.  Things have a way of working out.  — Just adopt.  I know this friend, who knows a friend, that knows a friend, that has a great uncle twice removed, that adopted and then BAM!  Got pregnant.  —  Just adopt.  There are plenty of children out there that need love and a family.  You don’t need to conceive one of your own.  —  Just lose the weight.  Once you lose weight, you will get pregnant — You are young.  You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t rush it. —  But it is so much fun to try naturally.  At least you can have fun trying.   —  It could be worse, it could be cancer.  Shall I go on?  Did I miss one?  I know there are more out there.  Just trust me on this.  Coming from someone that does not have a violent bone in their body – nothing makes me want to change that more than the un-needed, unsolicited, and inaccurate advice people so choose to bestow upon you.  I say this not as a threat or warning, but in the hopes to educate.  Look forward to a future blog post of what NOT to say to someone going through an infertility struggle.  There will be posts on so many different aspects, as well as of course my own journey.

The current plan: well there is not one set in stone.  Yes, we want to adopt.  Yes, we are still trying to conceive our own.  Yes, we are trying to inseminate again.  Yes, we are thinking surrogacy as well.  But EVERY step we take costs money, and lots of it.  So we can’t do them all.  There is a lot to these decisions and unless you are going through it currently or have gone through it previously – you just can’t possibly understand.  

That is where I hope I can help.  I am not here to just talk about myself – hard to believe, I know.  You can pick up your jaw now.  But I am here to help educate and inform.  I am also here to help those the care to be a part of our journey or even just want a little insight to our journey, to get the opportunity to do so.  My one request would be to please respect myself and my husband.  Just because I discuss it here, does not mean I want you to bring it up and discuss it with me in person.  Respect our privacy.  I may be opening up on here, but I am only opening up on what I feel like sharing and in the moment that I feel like sharing it.  However, that being said, if you are going through this or some other struggle not even related to unexplained infertility issues and you want someone to talk to who may understand even an inkling of what you are going through, to cry with, to hold your hand, or just to shut the hell up and listen to you while you cry and scream – I am here.  Please feel free to message me and reach out if that is you.  Please know, just because I am choosing to share my story – does not mean I will share yours.

PSA time … Finding someone to help you through this and walk through this journey with you is like finding a needle in a haystack.  Most do not even want to discuss it.  Hell, I didn’t want to discuss until just recently, after over 5 years of going through it, and I am still only willing to discuss it on my terms.  I feel I have earned that right.  Please, please, please know that we can’t go through our hardships alone and we should not feel like we have to.  Know there is still so much positive out there (although I know better than anyone that trying to focus on the positive and remember all the beautiful things in this wonderful life – can be hard).  So I ask that if you are going through this or anything difficult really even if it is not infertility struggles – please stay strong.  Please talk to someone.  Please, reach out.  People do care.  They truly do.

Until next time.   ❤